Facing drama.

These few days I have been such in a terrible situation. Guess right now problems will be my best companion. Huh. It was a devastated moment for myself, disappointment and cannot believe to what just had happened. It is not once or twice it happened before, but it keeps going and going and going until I cannot imagine when it is actually could stop. Maybe I am too good for giving chances and all, am too kind and weak for someone could took advantage on me. There goes life. But I don't need this kind of life. I am sick of all lies. It felt like someone stabbing my back slowly that it hurts so badly I couldn't even stand straight and just want this life to end. How hurt is that right? I don't need anyone's promises. I had enough of those words, "promise". This is reality man, not like in the movies. The other side of me tell me to give up but on the other side urged me to be tough. I just don't know. Now I know how life could challenge your patience.

All I need now is to be tough.

Even so it left my heart with too much bruises.

STRESS

It is now official! I am fat. I wish that I don't actually care how big I am now. But unfortunately, I DO CARE! It's hard to get in shape. I will do whatever it takes to get my body back! Even if I have to starve, I don't care. I know, I know it is not the right diet but I'm in desperate now. Will continue a good diet right after I can fit at least "M" size again. I have been reading about crash-diet recently, well from what I had read it is not that really not-so-good crashing our diet. It is only good for temporary NOT for a long term period. I once had practicing the diet before and indeed I lose weight fast. From 50 kg to 44kg in just 1 month! I did a little exercise tho, and yet the result is awesome! This time, I will do it again. No matter how hurt and how hungry I am. XD

So envy with those girls who could eat more without worrying getting fat.

It ain't easy!

Nothing much have been going on lately. I am exhausted with classes and still struggling not to past the date line for assignment. I am a MOM, a WIFE and a STUDENT. Ain't it's just a brief to say it, not to mention how the hella I am going trough each day living life as "those" person. Sometimes it can be too stressful and sometimes there's this feeling that deep inside I'm actually enjoying it. Well, I guess so. Being a mom is not easy, especially when the baby is still small and need 200% nurturing. I have to balance life as a mom as well as life as a student. Although I am tired and stress but seeing my baby grow up with love is enough to tell me that all the sweat is worth it. I have to wait less than a year for me to finally graduate! I am desperately wanting a JOB!

I am seriously have to be patient for my scroll.

:)

SCHOOL!

It's my 7th semester already, and I can't wait to graduate!

Speaking of final year, I have tonnes of assignment and project need to be done. This year around will be very hectic! I have classes on weekdays AND weekends. How's that sound? Whoa! Busy busy and busy! Class only started for almost a week now and I already have 5 assignments. Not to mention, my final year project too. Oh my. Plus, I have a son who still needs full-attention. Baby and studies. I might face minor problem towards that, but I hope I still could control everything. Well, lets just hope I could :D

SPAIN!

I'm watching Spain vs Germany now. Who will make it through to the final round? I hope so, it's NOT Germany. hahaha! Well the prediction is Spain 2 and Germany 1.

Lets just hope the BEST team to win.

Pique, ko la harapan!

:))

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, red lights called enemies, and caution lights called family. You will have flats called jobs. But if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called success.

People changed.

Reminiscing about past was truly hit me real hard. There goes the sweet and juicy moments with friends I always hang out with (used to) and also the "incident" that pouch my heart, and I'm not planning to talk about it - again. :)

The thing is, I missed them, who I assume to be my other family. Like brothers and sisters. But things have changed so far. For me, currently, there are huge walls that separate and some sort of isolation going on. Sometimes it bothers me a LOT. I always have to switch my brain to another part so that I wont kept thinking about unnecessary stuff. I am so glad that some of them still with me. But the feeling of being alone sometimes I failed to get rid of. Deep inside, I missed to go up front doing praise and worship. For the time being, or I don't know for how long I have to back off. I guess I am not that 'approved' to do things what I used to do back then. Well, it is hard for me to mingle with everyone else again. May be my self esteem has just gone somewhere. Nevertheless, I am not losing my faith to Him. Being able to pray every day is more than enough for me. I have never felt blessed and such content in this life more than before.

Friends who always be there for me ( you know who you are girlfriends), I could not expressed how I really appreciate all those words that strengthen every second of my life. I don't want to be a cry-baby here, but I miss you guys already!

Such an issue.

I hate the fact that I am gaining weight and NOT losing weight. I somehow NEED to buy a weight-scale so that I can control my eating and stuff (?), should I? The last time I checked I was furious. 55.5 kg, lucky number. I also hate the FACT that I could not fit into my 27 waist size jeans! The most horrible part I also cannot even fit into my 28 size jeans! Oh-my. For this time being, I can only wear my form-5 jeans, which back then I was quite chubby and I am so not going to keep this shape longer! I need to diet. Major seriously need to diet. *Sigh*

On my last visit to the clinic I was given this some sort of pills. Well it is for the family planning and stuff, you know, pills to keep woman away from pregnancy. I am consuming it for now, and I am struggling to control my eating behavior. I don't know what the hell this pills are doing with my hormones! Oh why why why weight is always an issue for me! Can I just eat and not gaining weight? At first I wanted to have the IUCD but the doctor wont let me. I have to wait 9 months then I could continue with the procedure for IUCD.

I seriously have to kick my butt off to the gym!
Or at least exercise!

Baby Azrael

My favourite pic of him so far. Little did I know he's growing up way too fast!
Look how adorable he is. XD

Past loves, they never got really far
Walls of pictures I've got in my heart
and I promised I wouldn't do this
Till I knew it was right for me.

But no one, no guy that I met before
Could make me feel so right and secure
And have you noticed I lose my focus
And the world around me dissappears

.....when I kisses you.

It is REALITY

"...I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together..."

FANTASTICA!

Finally, result is out! I was kinda worried about all the papers, I'm afraid that I might have to re-take one of it. But, luck is on my side! I've passed! It's for my baby Azra darling tho.

I have to work on my studies excellently. Well, at least pass with flying colors. I need to impress EVERYONE that I can do it. For the sake of having the finest JOB. But I know nowadays it is not easy to find a real job. So, struggle!

Jia you, Kath! XD

I AM A MOTHER!

Officially become a mother on 13th May 2010!

The pain, hardship, it is all worth it after seeing my newborn baby boy. I was in tears and cannot stop smiling from the first time I saw nurses pushing the trolley next to me. The baby is MINE. My very own precious baby! My God. I never felt happier than before, and there's no reason not to feel in content with abundant love and joy when I see him.

It's been a while I abandoned my blog. LOL.
It feels good to have a chance to write some back.

Baby Azrael Aden-Kael is one month old!
My love is expanding infinitely everyday! <3

Almost 9 months prego!

Supposedly I wanted to go to the church this morning it was cancelled by my cannot-endure-stomach-pain. I thought that the time has come and I was proven wrong. It was only a false alarm. (Relieved)

I've been hearing thing lately. The you-know-what sounds scared the hell out of me! Maybe the "thing" knows that I'm going to deliver soon. Aiya, betul la cakap orang tua-tua ni. :( Well, I cannot 100% sure the "thing" is really that "thing". But you know, scary things may appear. I'm so not going to imagine what the worse could happen!

I cannot wait to deliver my baby boy. It's very anticipating and I'm dying to know how will he look like. Will he be like his daddy or mommy? Hahahha. I just hope for the best then. Praying hard that he will be fine and normal is more than enough for me. :) Mommy loves you dear, Kael!

8th May!

Pampering myself today with the finest weather was really soothing. It was raining this afternoon, which is rare to happened. Thank God it's raining! :)) I just cannot stand the heat and even worse now I'm heavily pregnant. It is really really uncomfortable. Uugh! Well, I'm experiencing what they-called it Braxton Hicks contraction. Totally uncomfy! Pain here and there especially on my back and pelvic part. Feels like I want to deliver, but not yet. Cannot imagine how it really feels when the real-contractions begin. Gosh. Being a prego it's not an easy issue to handle. I need to prepare for minds and soul. :))

I watched the Kardashian's show just now. Kourtney was giving birth to her first baby and she was damn calm and I don't remember watching her to be sort of like panic or screaming. I guess I should too. I've been worrying and freaking out waiting for the big day. I even imagining stuff, which is the horrible part. Of course I cannot wait for my little guy to come out. And, I also notice that thinking too much how I am going to endure the pain later would not helping me at all. I should be more positive and calm! The jaw-dropping moment seeing Kourtney experiencing her delivery was, she was able to take a bath and put some make-up before going to the hospital, right after her air-ketuban pecah! LOL I need that courage from her!

I just hope that baby Kael won't come out in the middle I'm doing my exam. It will be the most amusing moment if he do want to come out while I am busy spilling answers in exam's answer sheet! Lord, help me on this! The expected date will be on 8th May and my last paper is on 3rd May!! I've read that only 5% of the baby will come out according the expected date. Okay, massive-scary-info there. Well, I just hope things will be going smoothly later. :D

Still have tonnes of assignments to crawled in to.
Brain freeze!
xo everyone! :))

Growing happily inside :)

Woke up around 11am today. Maybe I am just too exhausted struggling to finish my assignments last night. The due date is like a few more weeks but I really need to get it done early so I can catch up for revising syllabus before final. Well, it's kinda the first time I had this type of positive enthusiasm to study. Great then. I somehow get the unknown-spirit from baby Kael I guess. :)) Mom is going to work hard for good grades for you darling!

Hubby is off to work a few minutes before. Dad will come home at midnight, son! I am glad that things turned out quite well for now. Despite all the hardship we've been through few months back to settle down, but although, everything is worth it. Love and I just have to wait for our miracle to come out. Soon.

For now, preparation for baby Kael is almost done. I bought 3 different clothes for him and mom also helped me to buy some. Baby will grow too fast and I don't think he need too many of them. At first, I was like freaking out about what kind of clothes he should wear as soon as he is born. Thank God mom, as she is the "monitor" for me giving me tips on it. Baby Kael even have his space in our room now! Can't wait for his cradle! It was really fun shopping for baby stuff :))

Guess I should go and lie down for a while.
My back hurts. =="
xoxo

Slight changes.

In a sudden, I miss to blog.

I changed my old ID and deleted some old-kinda-trashy-post in it. Trying to do some make-over-blog perhaps? I laughed annoyingly reading the old one. I almost fainted that I wrote such a disaster story. Oh-my. Well, life goes on.

As the world knew (almost) that now I am happily a prego woman. Yes indeed, I am happy and certainly cannot wait for the time I citied myself as a "MOM". A few months back I still managed to get fit into my 27" jeans, however, currently I am terribly stuck in this bloated body which I can only wear limited clothes. I cannot wear jeans. It kills me softly. I cannot wear any of my shirt in the closet. It gives me pain. Thinking about, how to get my figure back in a few months after labor is possible or not drives me almost crazy. I am now 60.9 kg and still will be growing. That is another 13kg added up to my last weight before I found out I am pregnant. Pressure!

Instead of worrying about weight and figure, nervousness for deliver-period is the most distracting thing ever. I have chosen to have natural birth instead of doing the C-section surgery. Am I brave enough to do it? Could I endure the pain? Gosh. Hope everything will be fine. I've been doing some exercises and sometimes jog at the park hoping that it will help me get through the whole labor-process. Lord, give me the strength!

I cannot wait for Kael to come out from the belly. He is now very active kicking my tummy here and there. Bet that he also cannot wait to see the world :) I have tears in my eyes every time I went for scanning. Can't believe that something grows inside me. I saw him in 3-D moaning and smiling, I just cannot stop smiling. Hubby and I have some difficulties in finding his name but then I just go for KAYDEN KAEL. I love the name, even there's some people mispronounce his name.

My back hurts. Uugh.
Mom loves you Kael. Stop kicking too much okay.
:)

Re-painting it with colorful colors.

Looking back for what I did will only cause me drooling with tears. Thought that screwing up especially in most vital stuff in humanity result me to lose EVERYTHING. I did. But something even huge, bigger and tremendous coming right after it. I had repented countless of times, never stop praying that things will get better. I am right. Nothing is effortless. I thought that everyone will say, "I told you so!" but indeed I was wrong. I don't know how to describe this in words. No one leaves me and instead keep supporting me. I never forget this. Never. God has show how deep is His love to me. He never even once leave me behind.

Someone is growing happily inside me. I am so nervous yet the-cannot-wait feeling I just can't help it. Nothing is 'too-early', I am ready for him. Mommy loves you, son.

Chores.

Cleaning rooms is NOT a fun thing to do.

I VOTE HAILYEAHHH!

Finally, oh 2010!

It's been a while since my last post here. I guess I never had a suitable mood to scribble any news here. Oh well, I kinda persuaded myself to spill some flashing news about new years. Not to be too judgmental or anything about what has been going on last year, but indeed I do screwed up most of the time and I can say there was also some achievement which I am personally proud of. Hahahha! 2009 was a really great year, which I can say literally. I met those who inspiring, and some of jerks as well. :P Randomly, I somehow could not erased sweet memorable moments and dramas happening around me. I deeply apologized to those who I hurt unintentionally. :D

Pointing out the New Year's Eve was a speechless description. Celebrating it with loved ones is what I'm looking forward to and there, I have it! God riddance, I'm out of words! Surprisingly, it was the best new year ever. I know who I should thanked for that. ^___^

I just hope that this year will bring more exciting and fun drama to play a role into it. :)